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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27117133">No 18. Panic! At The Disco</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smiley5494/pseuds/Smiley5494'>Smiley5494</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Whumptober 2020 [17]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Merlin (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen, It's Not Paranoia If They're Really Out To Get You, Paranoia, Whumptober 2020, no 18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 17:42:09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>421</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27117133</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smiley5494/pseuds/Smiley5494</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Where there was the illusion of safety, there was the reality of danger.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Whumptober 2020 [17]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1965595</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>No 18. Panic! At The Disco</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>prompt:</p>
<p>No 18. PANIC! AT THE DISCO<br/>Panic Attacks | Phobias | <b>Paranoia</b></p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It started like this: Arthur always got in trouble. </p>
<p>It ended like this: Merlin always used magic to get him out of it. </p>
<p>The problem was this: Uther Pendragon burned sorcerers.</p>
<p>This hadn’t been too much of a problem while Merlin was growing up far away from the king. It hadn’t been that much of a problem at all. But Merlin knew fear—it was a wonder he hadn’t gone mad with it—and he knew the consequences of using magic. No matter what Gaius thought, Merlin did know what happened when one was caught. </p>
<p>Merlin was born to a lifetime of fear. He was familiar on an intimate level with hatred and revenge; he felt his fair share of it often enough.</p>
<p>Merlin lived in fear of being caught. Merlin lived his days with the ever-present terror of the pyre. He lived knowing that one day his luck was going to run out and that day would be the day he stopped breathing. The day his friends looked at him with horror and fear, looked at him as his flesh burned and he <i>screamed</i>.</p>
<p>It scared him—a bone-deep terror—that Arthur would be the one to light the fire. Merlin didn’t think he could be bear the idea that Arthur would be the one to kill him, but at the same time, he couldn’t deal with it being anyone else.</p>
<p>His mind played the possibilities on repeat in his dreams, showing chilling loops of his death at the hands of those around him. In one particular dream, Gaius turned him in, sick of hiding him from Uther. In another, it was Morgana—blaming him for her visions, telling Uther about the poison. On one awful night, his dream-self had been stabbed by Gwen after she’d figured out his secret. </p>
<p>He couldn’t look her in the eye for weeks after; too afraid she’d see hints of the gold.</p>
<p>Merlin knew people had noticed him withdrawing away, but he couldn’t bring himself to care—too caught up in the pain that his nightmares brought, too caught up in the worry that someone would turn him in. Too scared of the possibility that he would burn.</p>
<p>Where there was the illusion of safety, there was the reality of danger.</p>
<p>Merlin was always at risk; he was magic, magic was he. They were one and the same—neither could live without the other. Merlin couldn’t stop using magic; to do that would kill him, but he could not bring himself to use it.</p>
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